[02 Nov 2009|11:12pm] the_neverkind i'm listening to brakeman right now. i'm seriously so amazed by conor right now. those lyrics are totally beautiful and poetic. i feel SO fucking connected to music again and it's absolutely incredible. i feel like i'm seeing the world so clearly right now with all of my new favorite songs explaining everything in around me that makes a lot more sense than anything else i'd ever heard. references to places i know about, stuff like that. it's totally gorgeous. post comment

[02 Nov 2009|12:10am] garyzon  When I'm Dead is weak compared to what I'm writing right now for Dismantled. Violent, sexual, pissed off human garbage stuck in an insect's head is the best way to describe it right now. More to come, I'm currently in a rather odd mental crisis and I feel like this is the best therapy. Also, everyone should check out the new Brand New album Daisy, it's so empty and reminds me of bleeding to death in a bleak, melted forest.  I hate Facebook, all of my updates on there are mindless and stupid!  5 comments|post comment

[31 Oct 2009|06:45pm] the_neverkind I haven't decided how or if I want to share what I learned last night. I need to write about it and I want to share it because I think I finally figured it out. In that Dar William's song  "When I was a Boy," she says she "lived a whole life in one night" and I really feel the same way. I really just feel like the conversations I had last night and all of the tears I cried finally just put everything together. I just finally understood the world, like everything I already knew just started making sense. I don't know how to explain, but I'm trying. Haha. So, the first thing I was thinking about was my room. It's filled with my things and things don't really make a person, but in some ways, they do. All of my stuff is the product of my experiences, the places I've been, the things I want to surround myself with, hobbies, friends. I have items from yard sales, thrift stores, the chuch sales I frequent in Connecticut. And while all of those things are just things, my possessions start to feel like "me." My room feels like me even when I'm not there. My music was playing in the background and it fit totally perfectly into my room. My room is just filled with the energy, preferences and experiences that I use to define myself. And sometimes it's really useful to have these spaces within which to define myself. And my bedroom isn't the only space I use to define myself- there's the English department (which I just love the feelings of, the discussions and scholarly feeling), my education class, the classrooms I teach in, the beach, my parents' house, even my religion, and Hofstra and all of my friends and family and my photography. Everyone has this stuff, though, and I think that's what being a grown up is. I think I finally got it. Being a grown up is knowing who you are and what you do and having the space to express yourself. It's not getting to see your friends and family as much as you want to, but knowing the strong connections exist and you're all going through the same things. Being a grown up is about feelings of togetherness and understanding and trying to feel them as much as possible. Being a grown up is not getting to live with you sister anymore because she is somewhere else having her own life, but being able to call her and feel close and understanding and using the bonds that growing up together established and holding on to those bonds as something to relate to when you feel alone. I really just feel okay about everything now and knowing that everyone has their life. Everyone has these complicated pieces that they use to define themselves. And that's basically what life is, I guess. I keep thinking about this English class I'm taking. We basically sit in a room and discuss how real life events, themes and patterns manifest themselves in the works of fiction that someone else wrote. The final project in this class is to analyze our family's history in a way that relates to the themes and ideas from the texts. It's the most grown-up project I've ever been assigned. It just finally makes sense. This project is a metaphor for everything, being a grown up means considering how everything is related and it works together. The world keeps moving and everyone keeps thinking and growing and reflecting and at the end of the day, you just need to know who you are and what you love and that's all the world is. I just finally got it. I feel confident with where I'm going and how it's going to happen. I just feel equipped to be a grown up now. Like, I've realized who I am (even though I've already known all along) and how everything I am just works together to create the person I am and it all just works, like if everything was different, then I wouldn't be the same and I've done everything right because it's how I ended up figuring myself out. It's a personal lesson, but it's also universal and that's how people live, I feel like, understanding the relationships between everything, how everything is private and public and it just works together. 1 comment|post comment

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